Christmas Pussy/Turkey

I was on the train the other day. It was relatively empty, and I overheard some of a conversation that two gentlemen were having. They were exclaiming about a particular instance when a turkey was being traded for some pussy. They went on to expound on the benefits of such a scenario. ("Trade some turkey for some pussy - haHA!") I had my headphones in so I didn't hear the whole conversation. But I did hear them mention Rudolph, the name, I gathered, of a prostitute.

It was a seamy, sexist conversation, and I wasn't happy to be within earshot. Especially as they'd often stop what they were saying, look at me to see if I heard, and then burst into laughter. But, at the same time, it had a charming amount of Christmas spirit, some of the makings of a story, a story like...

INT. BROTHEL, 1935 - DAY

The brothel madame, HILDA, sits at her writing desk looking harried over brothel finances.  RUDOLPH, one of the prostitutes, an old hand, tidies up the clearly destitute whorehouse. 

She hangs garments over the windows as makeshift curtains. She pulls curtains down from the windows to make garments. Even the TASSELED PILLOWS look sad.

HILDA

Rudolph, honey, I don't know if we're going to survive this Christmas season. 

RUDOLPH

That's ridiculous. You've kept our doors open during hard times before. Like your "Hard Times for Hard Times" campaign. That was genius.  

HILDA 

 This time's different. The men, with all these dustbowls, they have no money. I'm closin' us down.  

RUDOLPH

No! That can't be right. 

She rushes over to her madame and holds her hand. 

RUDOLPH (CONT.)

Hilda, I will think of something. Give me a week.

HILDA

Rudolph, you're my best whore. So, I'll give you a week. But that's it!

RUDOLPH

I won't disappoint you, ma'm. Oh! I better make lunch. The girls will be getting hungry. 

She starts to leave for the kitchen. 

HILDA

What's on the menu, today?

RUDOLPH

Turkey. 

HILDA

Too bad we don't have more of that. We could pay bills with your turkey sandwiches. Delicious.

Rudolph stops in her tracks. Lightbulb! She has an idea.


EXT. STREET CORNER - EVENING

Rudolph's out on her beat, showing off the wears. A haggard FARMER approaches her. 

FARMER

How much?

RUDOLPH

Three dollars. 

FARMER

Ah, ain't nobody got that much!

RUDOLPH

Well, how much do you have, honey?

FARMER

I ain't got nothin'. 

RUDOLPH

You sure about that? Why you approachin' prostitutes in such case? 

FARMER

I thought you could give me one on charity. It bein' the Christmas season an' all. 

A cop drives by in a wagon. Rudolph and the farmer make out in order to avoid suspicion. 

FARMER (CONT.)

That's a start!

RUDOLPH

I don't do charity, honey. 

FARMER

Then I best be back to me 'ol broad.

 RUDOLPH

Wait, you got a missus? 

FARMER

Yeah. 

RUDOLPH

She wouldn't be makin' a nice turkey dinner for your family on Christmas Day, would she? 

FARMER

Well, yeah. Killed the big tom, just the other day. 

RUDOLPH

I'll tell you what, you bring that big tom turkey in to the brothel, and I'll give you some pussy for it. 

FARMER

You would? Ah, that's mighty temptin' ma'm. But what about my kids? I can't take away from them their big, Christmas turkey. 

RUDOLPH (STROKING HIM)

Think about it...

FARMER

You drive a hard bargain. 

RUDOLPH

Gotta save the brothel. 

So, of course, she does save the brothel, boys and girls, by clearing the whole town of their Christmas turkeys by trading the turkeys for sex. She settled it with all the people to whom the brothel owed money to pay the debts in turkey sandwiches.  But before she started carving up the turkeys of Lincoln, Nebraska, one of the whores accidentally struck oil in their backyard. The brothel's money troubles were over. Rudolph took a band of the brothel's best looking girls, and they rang round to all the houses from whom they'd traded turkeys. They presented the poor families with their Christmas turkeys, while wearing the guises of sexy santa ladies. Everyone rejoiced. (Except for the families, who were unhappy about the prostitutes, sexy santa outfits, notwithstanding.)

And that's how Rudolph saved both the brothel and Christmas. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what those two guys on the train were saying.