July 31, 2021

It's been a rough couple of days. A lot of anxiety, and I think it might be because I have this contract for a screenplay in the works. It's terrifying to think that my thing might get made, that people might see it and laugh at it. It's also terrifying to think it will fall through, considering it took getting a nine on the Blacklist -- when a reviewer I talked to said that he had read thousands of scripts and never given one nine. Then with that recognition, the script got 25 downloads from industry professionals. And of those 25, one person has reached out. That feels like a huge hill to have to climb for things to just float away. It's a bad business, is what I'm saying. 

Getting a movie made is a LOT of work. It's kind of shocking to me that people do it at all. 

The other thing that's stressing me out is having read STATUS ANXIETY. And you know what that means...

BLOG time! 

de Botton, Alain – STATUS ANXIETY

Published: 2004

Read: 7/2021

This book tracks how material wealth and material gains haven’t led to greater satisfaction in democratic capitalistic societies. Satisfaction, or its reverse: envy, leads from comparing ourselves to those we consider our equals. This is possible in societies that consider themselves meritocracies. Because in a meritocracy, one’s accomplishments and wealth are taken to be a reflection of one’s character. If you’re a success, you deserve it. If you’re a failure, you deserve it. The consequences of failure, or low status in a society, can be a broad dismissal from your peers. You’re seen as insignificant, repugnant, or dull. The world doesn’t shower its love upon you. The benefits of high status are obvious: love, attention, material wealth which comes from a high valuation. 

De Botton gives some solutions to this misery-making phenomenon. One is through a kind of philosophy – stop despising the thought of being like everybody else. Evaluate people higher, not based on social hierarchy but on their innate humanness. Resist the temptation to be a snob. Remember that we’re all going to die. Look at art that depicts the beauty of everyday life. Wean yourself off of luxury magazines and influencers’ Instagram pages. Appreciate simplicity. Read poetry about the chopping of peppers. Stuff like that. 

He talks about religion, about how much of Jesus’ teachings warns about worldly significance. The rich have to enter heaven like a camel through the eye of a needle, and all that. It teaches service – purposefully lowering oneself – and humility. It says that the hierarchy of the world does not match the eternal hierarchy of heaven. 

Finally, de Botton considers Bohemianism, purposefully upsetting and taking potshots at the bourgeoisie. Finding a community of like-minded individuals so that you may be loved and esteemed for things like the pursuit of art and the ability to amuse, rather than wealth and accomplishment.  

Let me tell you what, this book ripped through me. It’s made me anxious all week. I started listening to it again – it’s quite dense so concepts pass by quickly – but I decided not too, because I want to stop thinking about it. It’s tapped into my experience in middle school and high school. I tried to befriend the popular crowd and was rejected. Because of that rejection, I feel low in the status hierarchy. It felt like people were actually afraid to talk to me because of my low status. Someone could see them! Status is contagious. 

On top of that, I now live in Los Angeles, a city that’s obsessed with social status (maybe more than any other city on earth). Money is made based on how “hot” you are alone. Your movie does well: everybody loves you, they clamor to talk to you. Your next movie does poorly: they don’t want to be seen with you, your phone calls go unanswered. My teacher, who’s a professional screenwriter, told me recently, “It’s not a dog-eat-dog business. It’s a dog-stops-returning-dog’s-phone calls business.” They won’t run you out of town. They’ll just ignore you. It’s tough in a city where many people come in order to try to be loved – for their looks, their creativity, their gifts. 

I want that high status, you know? Nothing colossal, just enough where people will be nice to me by default. I’ve had too many instances where people – friends, even – seem surprised that I’ve done something worthwhile. Painted or wrote something. Survived in a big city. Cracked a joke. It sucks. 

But I also want to be happy, to be satisfied. To be able to suffer misjudgment from a stranger and to shake it off. De Botton writes how unsteady our estimation of our own worth. I feel that for sure. I know myself to be lots of things: intelligent and slow, outrageous and dull, engaging and shy, talented and unremarkable, beautiful and plain. I really am all of those things, and my brain is searching for it to be one or the other. It thinks that other people are going to be able to let me know which it is. 

Blindboy talks about how having high self-esteem doesn’t mean you think you’re great. It just means you think you’re alright, that you have value just like every other human. It just means you think, “I’m grand.” I’m alright. Back to my senior year of college – that sometimes it has to be enough that I’m a child of God. And if that’s what matters about me, it’s something I share with every other person. No more. No less. 

Rating: ★★★

 

July 29, 2021

I'm tired. This contract for my script seems less and less promising. I'm not sure the producer is that experienced, and he definitely doesn't seem to have an overabundance of care. I liked the director alright, though, even though he's one of those guys who talks fast and loud and doesn't give you any space to say anything. A chaotic energy. 

My cat is cute. 

I'm attending a virtual conference this week. It's for business officers in higher education. The general sessions have been around work, the concept of work, how work is changing, what people and companies need to do well in the current environment. There was some cool stuff. Here are a couple quotes I wrote down: "Four hours max for creativity." "Learning is now part of work." "Values over identity." 

I like that last one. I'm getting tired of identity. Like there's one or two colors you can paint on yourself to make everything you do make sense. 

Another general session was with Shankar Vedantam from NPR's Hidden Brain. The main thing that stuck out to me about that conversation was his advice to schedule the day by long-term planning first. (Admittedly, I haven't really started doing that yet.) He said to ask, Who would I like to be in ten years? The answer might be: alive. In which case prioritizing exercising might be necessary. A scarcity mindset makes us focus hard on what's in front of us, often at the expense of long-term goals. 

Who would I like to be in 10 years? Someone with solid friendships, meaning regular quality time with people I can be sincere with. Tender time, silly time, new experience time. I'd like to still be married with a good sex life. I'd like to be working on new projects with projects I'm proud of under my belt. Owning a house doesn't really matter to me right now. Having enough savings is important. Not feeling old, feeling flexible and strong enough, like I can count on my body. It's all the stuff that we know we ought to be doing but don't. Which makes sense if you think that the more daily/immediate stuff is given automatic priority in our brains. It's hard to make a habit out of something that doesn't carry with it its own alarm bells. I'm going to ask friends if they want to come over for a dinner party. Is it a dinner party if it's just 4 people? TBD.  

July 26, 2021

I realize I haven't written in a couple days, and what I could tell you is how I drank too much on Saturday, and how I feel embarrassed about it. But I won't because it wasn't really that bad. I think I just feel like I have a tenuous grasp on some friendships. I'm worried looking like an ass once or twice might make think people better than to ask me to hang out anymore. Look, that was kind of sad. 

I'm writing this one in the evening for a change. I wanted to get on to talk about Series 9 of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme. I love John Finnemore's audio comedies. He's done Cabin Pressure, an audio sitcom starring Benedict Cumberbatch (before and including his Sherlock days). The Souvenir Programme is a sketch show, usually performed in front of a live audience. Because of COVID, Series 9 had no audience, and I listened through most of the six episodes before realizing that the sketches had a lot of characters in common. Each one started with John Finnemore stating the place and year, which was odd. Some of the sketches seemed time specific but not all of them. What I mostly failed to notice during the first listen, but managed to catch (thankfully, otherwise yikes Amy) on the second listen, was that the sketches were all about one family, stretching back several generations. Each episode had one central character in common, and traced their life backwards through time. 

The first one was Russ Golding, a gay musician who was bullied as a child. Deborah Golding née Wilkinson, his mother. Jerry Wilkinson, Deborah's father who suffers from a stroke later on in life. Vanessa Wilkinson née Noone, Jerry's mother who went away during the war, and who worries her mother is not her real mother (she is though). And Oswald 'Uncle Newt' Nightingale, who's Vanessa's biological father, although she doesn't know it. Uncle Newt's sister and Susanna Noone were Vanessa's mothers. Uncle Newt wrote code poetry in the war and was helped by Jerry, who was in his care. 

Let me tell you -- the thing works. And I admire it in part because it's such a risk. I had to listen to it twice to really get ahold of it. The real depth and artistry of the thing isn't apparent right away, and the sketches are often as sweet as they are funny. The thing is sad and thoughtful and, although frequently silly, depicts what feels to be a genuine family. Bravo! 

July 23, 2021

Getting off to an unproductive start today! But it's Friday so maybe that's okay.  I wanted to mention that this song makes me cry: 

It's the release in the end. Through the repetition I start to feel it in my body. It's like, is this going to happen?, this maybe is going to happen, this is going to happen, this is happening. There's a joy and a final safety and security in it, along with elation. 

It reminds me of this song: 

Yesterday, I went skating on the strand from Venice to Santa Monica with a couple of friends. It felt great. 

July 22, 2021

It's weird that a bunch of the population has to wake up and scramble to work. They arise to the blaring of an alarm that on some level probably reminds them of when their tribe would have shouted people awake because of a lion or neighboring tribe attacking. Basically, the alarm says "Your life is in danger!" and then you start your day. 

A lot of work seems silly. I guess because it involves people wearing different clothes and sitting in front of computers. Doing lifting with their minds, but not with their bodies. Electronic messages getting sent back and forth each day. Is that getting something done? 

I had the creepy realization while talking to a friend the other day that I've built my whole life around writing. More specifically, I've adjusted everything to try to give myself the advantage in writing. Everything from the job I have to where I live to who I'm friends with. (The friends thing is only to some extent, but it's there. If someone is an interesting artist, I'm more likely to be interested in them.) That feels creepy to me because it's fairly one dimensional. I've noticed that in these blog posts as well. One track mind with the writing. Maybe it'll help me have the kind of life that I want. Maybe it'll turn me into a robot. Who knows?  

July 21, 2021

I didn't go to the virtual networking event yesterday. I wasn't feeling it. I'm not sure if that goes against my ambition to follow through or not. I had a ticket to the thing, but it wasn't a friend expecting me specifically (or anything like that). Today, I kind of wish I had gone, but I think that's in part because, in not going, I got a chance to recover. Being gone all last week/weekend took it out of me. Plus, I still went to the Alice Fraser zoom salon, which was great as always. 

I have a zoom table read today that was a direct result of the last zoom mixer I went to, so they are worthwhile. Oh well! I'm going to an in-person mixer with a friend on Monday next week. So I've got more networking in my future, don't worry. As a side note, I think I've gotten more successful with the networking thing now that I have different expectations. It's not likely or useful to go in hoping someone will help your career directly -- nobody's going to "discover" you, haul you out of the muck of obscurity or anything like that. What you might be able to find is good people to round out your artistic community. People who are doing stuff, who can help motivate you with their example and vice versa. Folks who can give you notes and you can give them notes. People who you can go on your journey with more than a big claw in the sky that will pick you up and whisk you to the finish line.  

July 20, 2021

I've been binging self-help comedy podcast Nobody Panic. Mostly that means I need to get back into an audiobook or expand my podcast listening horizons. (Adam Buxton hasn't posted an episode in so long! Agh!) I'm feeling an almost rubber-necking level of interest in people's problems lately. I mean persistent small problems in every day life. A big one is the writer who can't get herself to actually write. The guy who wants to stop drinking but still has a couple of beers a night. Or the person who wants to get more sleep or exercise more or stop online shopping so much. Even just the person who keeps tweeting about how they're getting off twitter. It's looking like what we want and what we do are different things. Or maybe we're just wrong about what we want. 

Coming into work has meant: I walk more, I drink less coffee, I drink less alcohol. (The alcohol thing is because it's easier to mark the end of my day, having come home from somewhere. Whereas over quarantine, it didn't feel like my workday was over until after I had a beer.) Those all seem like healthy choices, but I'm way more tired and brain fuzzy. Maybe I'm just getting used to it, and once it's habit all those things will feel great. 

Do you think the process works? Is it anti-process to ask that question? 

July 19, 2021

It's Monday, and I'm back in LA after being in San Diego for five days. SD is a nice place. Lovelier, I'd say, than Los Angeles. But it's good to be back in the energy, the ambition, the smog. My cat was so happy to see me. I think she missed us. 

The week went pretty well, especially compared to my fears. Bachelorette parties are never going to be my thing exactly. I've found that having to dress up similar to a large group of women threatens my self-concept. But I made it through. I resisted the temptation to spend too long getting ready, so I ended up looking alright when we went out. 

I was congratulated on my performance socially, as weird as that sounds. I'm not sure how else to describe it. People were like, Well done! Starting the dancing in the party bus. Conspiring to crowd surf the bride at the reception. I suspect that if anyone compliments you on a behavior, you've probably not been subtle enough. 

Going back in to the office this week. LA's re-upped the mask mandate. I wonder if working in person will stay around for long or if we'll revert again in the Fall. 

July 17, 2021

We had the rehearsal dinner last night for my sister-in-law and soon-to-be brother-in-law. B-I-L's parents rented a party bus for the whole rehearsal dinner crew, and on the way back (there was an open bar at the restaurant) we all had a big dance party. It was really fun. 

Maybe it's just because I met no new people last year because of COVID, but over and over last night I met people and was like "I love you." In my head, obviously. But just really nice specific people it has seemed to me. For example: there's this really beautiful bridesmaid who always has a beatific look on her face who's speaking voice is so soft and raspy it sounds like she's dying. 

End of blog post. 

July 16, 2021

It's been the longest yet since I wrote a blog post. It's been a crazy week. On Sunday, I went up in front of Brent Forrester's class. He had asked ahead of time for people to send in their cards if they didn't mind coming up in front of class. He was using people's projects as an example of going from cards to outline. We talked through the cold open of Cell Culture (the thing I'm working on). It was nerve wracking and kind of thrilling, both to be working with him for that little bit of time and to be on screen in front of 200-300 people. It makes me think of how Richard Herring gets in front of that many people several times a week. He doesn't seem nervous about it at all. 

Afterwards I ran the break out rooms thing for the class. There was 25 people. It was exhausting. (I walked around my neighborhood and told my friend all about it, so I'm not going to hash it out here.) By Monday I felt completely wiped out. 

On Tuesday, I worked and packed and then drove down to San Diego for my sister-in-law's bachelorette party. Got an email from a producer interested in my scripts. And I've been fielding that plus trying to roll with the wedding stuff since then. Had a phone call with the director (attached to the producer) yesterday. I thought it went pretty well, but by this morning I'm kind of thinking that maybe I messed it up. He talked a lot and fast, and I couldn't get much in edge wise. And I'm worried I was too low energy. (I try to be peppy, but who knows what comes across.) I liked him well enough, I think. 

It's a bite though. Good interest, I think. If I can reel this one in, so to speak, we'll be good. Of course, it's far from "in" yet. And if it's not this time or this script, I'll keep taking shots on goal and hopefully get here again, except with more experience. When I told my husband about it, his take was "this is proof that the process works." I like it. I agree.   

July 11, 2021

Scattered! Again today. I think it's social media. Too much stimulation, even listening to podcasts too much. I was going to write about something today in here, but now I can't remember what it was going to be. Life is hard and weird and really keeps coming. 

I have my Brent Forrester class today, and I'm going to be called up on zoom to talk about taking the cards for my pilot to outline. Crap. I didn't watch the pilot of Flea Bag like I was supposed to. I've seen it before it's just been a while ago. I also feel hungry. Okay. So I need to practice my pitch before I'm on zoom for class. I'm also going to host a zoom after-class meeting, where I break everybody up into groups of three to pitch to each other and just use their 20 minutes in whatever way is going to be most beneficial to them. Maybe I'm nervous about being in front of people today in two different capacities. I'll be fine. My brain kind of hurts. 

The grocery store is still set up for nuclear families, isn't it? For the most part, it's hard to cook for yourself -- and only yourself -- because the recipes are for 4-5 people. Then the stuff at the supermarket is bagged or bunched in recipe-sized quantities usually. Hence the Hello Fresh and services like that. It's doing your shopping for you, but it's also just halving or quartering the amount of ingredients you'd have to get at the grocery store. Same number of ingredients, just a smaller amount of each.  

July 10, 2021

I almost made it through the week -- shortened by having Monday off --  going into work, but yesterday I felt sick and worked from home. I was on time every day this week, which meant I did my thing with waking up early enough and leaving the house early enough. I want to keep that up. 

My cat sat on the desk next to my computer while I worked all morning. It's cute and sweet how she wants to be near me. What a good girl! 

I haven't watched any of the movies I rented last week, and I didn't start reading my husband's novel like I meant to. But I did go watch a movie in theaters last night. 

Mlog Time! 

ZOLA

2021

Directed by: Janicza Bravo

Written by: Janicza Bravo, Jeremy O. Harris

Watched: 7/9/21

This is that movie based on the tweet thread that everyone was talking about in 2015. Zola meets this white girl who dances and recognizes her as a dancer. (Zola is a waitress and part-time stripper.) The two get each other and become friends fast. The white girl, Stephanie, invites Zola to come down to Florida to strip in a $$$ club. Zola’s only known her for a day, but she goes anyway. On the trip are Stephanie, her boyfriend, and Stephanie’s “roommate” who goes unnamed for the first 48 hours. They get to Florida, and it becomes clear that it’s a hooking trip, not a dancing trip. (Not sure I’m getting my terminology right there, but you know what I mean.) Stephanie’s roommate is actually her pimp. He puts Stephanie’s boyfriend Derek up in a cheap hotel while the girls work. Zola refuses to have sex with the clients, and when she finds out how little X (the pimp) is charging for Stephanie, she edits the ad. Stephanie makes a lot more than normal, and X is impressed if at first offended. They all find out that Derek was talking to a guy back at the cheap hotel and told him what they were in Tampa for. Anyways, it escalates. X puts Zola in charge, giving her a gun, and has Zola, Stephanie, and Derek drive around on house calls. The guy Derek talked to kidnaps Stephanie, brandishing a gun and pulling her into his hotel room. Zola tells X and X goes in to get her with the other two. He shoots the guy. In the end, Derek, feeling slighted by Stephanie, jumps off the balcony at X’s house. He falls one story and hits his head on the concrete. They drive him towards the hospital. X has promised Zola a ticket home. 

That was a lot of plot! This movie was so much better than it had to be. A few standouts: we see Zola and Stephanie peeing in a rest stop bathroom. (Gross, right?) We see the toilet water after they’re finished. Zola’s pee is relatively clear but Stephanie’s is dark yellow. That’s a character moment I’ve never seen before. It got a laugh and goes towards enforcing Zola’s eventual critique of Stephanie: “You’re messy. And your brain is broke.” 

The first client Stephanie gets for her pussy work, – sorry, I mean to have sex with – Zola’s in the room, and the man is gross. The whole thing takes a long time, and is not sexy. I mean, it’s believably sexy for the man, but the whole theater is cringing. Then we see the 16 other guys show up one at a time. They’re the whole spectrum of white and ugly. We get a rapid-fire montage (from Stephanie’s POV) of these men pulling down their pants. Full frontal nudity of a bunch of weird looking penises. 

The movie starts with some sexiness of Zola and Stephanie dancing and then progresses to this deeply unsexy place. I read on Wikipedia that originally James Franco was supposed to direct. Thank god he didn’t. I have a hard time imagining this film being directed by a man and coming out as good as it did. We stay with the protagonist. We get her world, her view, her sympathy for and understanding of Stephanie. The whole thing was about sex and showed sex yet it was the opposite of pornography. That frontal nudity montage could be paused and used as a text for medical residents to diagnosis odd growths and skin plasticity with age. 

Plus, it’s remarkable (and this was in the tweet thread as well) that Zola resists becoming the victim. She’s in a situation where she doesn’t have a lot of control. She’s way far from home, she doesn’t have any allies, she doesn’t have a ride or much money, and X is way bigger and stronger than she is. But she keeps resisting, keeps making choices, keeps drawing her boundaries and making her requests – my time is up, I want to go home. 

Rating: ★★★★

July 9, 2021

I wrote a post yesterday, but it looks like it didn't save. I just got distracted from writing and bought the Spike Milligan war memoirs, which is a set of seven books! I'm not sure my husband is going to be pleased. Where will we put these seven used books? I'll have to buy another book shelf. Crap. Now I'm shopping for bookshelves. This has not been a very focused morning. 

I left this up on my computer and came back to it four hours later. I bought the war memoirs - those are the seven books - so that I can fish the good jokes out of them. Oh, I'll blog about it below. But Spike Milligan does this thing where he says something, deliberately misunderstands it, then builds on it from there, as if he had correctly understood himself. It's got a slightly old timey feel, but I like it. I listened to the first two and the last book, and I want the physical copies so that I can actually remove those jokes and place them in a notebook or something. 

This! Town! Ain't! Big! Enough! For the both! Of us! dun-uh un-uh 

I am struggling with my sister-in-law's upcoming bachelorette party. Aren't I too old for a bachelorette party? Surely. I put people through a very disorganized and actually dangerous bachelorette party when I got married, so I'm sure having to go to other people's is karmic retribution. At mine, I thought having a penis cake was funny, but I was 23. My other sister-in-law who's organizing it, along with two other people, seems to want it to be a weekend of outpouring love. How awful. I listened to a podcast about bachelorette parties - because that is how I'm coping with this - and they were saying that the purpose is to cement friendships before this big transition. That seems nice. I'm not really friends with my sister-in-law, though, and I don't think I'm going to lose her to marriage. The in-laws are a kind of binding requirement, so I'm sure we'll continue to run into each other from time to time. (Look at me: salty.) I'm also anticipating being the odd one out, somewhat self-imposed because the planners want us to all dress the same for the whole weekend and I have no interest in that. But I'm worried the other women will be off-put by my lack of feminine enthusiasm. How I won't be spending ages on getting ready. How I won't be bubbly or fawning enough. I feel very stolid, like a troll, when I'm around groups of women in these circumstances. 

I think it will be important to remember that people will not be thinking about me. I look like a regular person, only slightly trollish. I think I'm also going to try to keep in mind that people are disappointing in general. That it doesn't need to be a shock or outrage if they're under-planned or if they're judgmental or narrow-minded. Too sure of themselves, too insecure, ready to have a meltdown. It's all fine. It's all a bit less than one might have hoped for. But that's okay. 

Blog Time! 

Milligan, Spike – PEACE WORK

Published: 1991

Read: 6/2021

Spike Milligan is a founding member of the Goon Show, and I don’t remember what I was searching but his war memoir came up on the library website. I listened to the first two – in his series of seven – and then the last one. I’m writing about Peace Work, the last one, because the first two are really short. I guess I’m not counting them. Peace Work picks up after World War Two. Spike is making money by traveling around England, Italy, and Germany in a trio. He plays the guitar. He would have been in his mid-to-late twenties, I think. He talks about how poor they were – very poor – and how much he got laid – very much. It’s an engaging picture of post-war Europe, of making money as a musician, and of being a man who’s so creative he basically never stops talking, never stops coming up with jokes. The memoir ends when his musical touring ends and he gets a writing job on a BBC radio program. Spike himself reads the audiobook, which is always nice. He speaks very fast. I just bought all seven memoirs online from used bookshops. I’m hoping to read through them again and this time be able to pull out the jokes I especially like. They went by too fast on the audiobooks. 

Rating: ★★★

July 7, 2021

I went back into the office yesterday! I saw Mike and no one else from the lab. It was great. It felt good to be there. It also felt weirdly like stepping back in time. My computer just how I left it. I think I enjoyed being in the office before the pandemic. Going back, it seemed like I had had happy times there. That sounds dumb and sappy, but I think maybe it's hard sometimes to tell in the moment whether or not you're happy. The downside, of course, is having to get my ass in gear in the mornings. So far so good. But it definitely requires a much more energetic push. As long as I can keep thinking this is my decision, I think it will make it easier. I'm not being forced awake. I'm prioritizing my mornings and my timeliness. 

The hours in the office drug a little. Does that mean I'm getting more done, maybe? I was watching the clock a bit. There's not the pleasant option of taking a twenty minute walk around my neighborhood in the middle of the work day. Ah well. It's easier to get my steps -- they're built in to my commute. The day contains more energy -- I get to go somewhere every day! And it's just nice to have had things mixed up a bit. 

Last night, I did one of Alice Fraser's salons, and it was great. I'm starting to get to know the people who come regularly, and that feels nice. It's cool to talk to people all over the world! 

July 6, 2021

I'm going into work today! For the first time since March 2020. First time in 15 months. I'm excited. Focusing on my timeliness, hoping to get that really sorted and nailed down. My plan is to wake up at 6:30 and to start getting ready to leave for work at 8am. It should get me there by 9am or before. It'll be great. 

Yesterday, I got a text out of the blue from a friend from college. I hadn't spoken to him in probably ten years. We hung out kind of a lot my last year there, and I follow him on Instagram, but he doesn't follow me. I don't know if we had a falling out I hadn't realized or if he got to be too good for me or what exactly. But I was pleased to hear from him. He's a professional potter (and art professor) and I got a half-price mug out of the deal. But I began to discover that he was really contacting me because he wanted me to put him in touch with my other friend who lives in Seattle. This being the primary goal of the whole thing was confirmed when my friend told me she had seen him on Tinder the night before and had swiped left. Ah well. I guess I'm a pimp, now, and I collect my fee in earthenware.  

July 5, 2021

I got in a mini fight with my husband last night. I had told a friend I'd go with her to see fireworks, and I wanted husband to come with us. Husband's resting state is not wanting to do anything that isn't working, writing, exercising, sleeping, or watching sports. Pretty cliché except for writing. Thank god for that. Or as Blindboy would say, "thank dog." I got upset because I can envision a life where I'm married to someone who actually wants to hang out with me. That's how I phrased it too. Anyways, in we go on the emotional freight. I told him a little later that I wished I had won him over with excitement and positivity rather than sadness, guilt, and negativity. He let me try again. I told him that holidays exist to remind us to seek out and share joy with other people. Doing the same thing day after day is more comfortable, efficient, and productive probably, but it doesn't include mixing it up, taking any small risks, or giving yourself the opportunity to express those high highs. He agreed to go with me. He always agrees, but I end up feeling rejected for having to convince him. 

My friend dropped out so it was just me and my husband. We went anyway, after all that conversation. We climbed to the top of the Baldwin Hills Scenic Overlook. We had to go up the Culver City Stairs which are 0.18 miles straight up. At the top, we sat on the stone steps carved into the top of the hill, like bleachers overlooking the city. It was full of people. We drank cans of beer. There were fireworks everywhere. We looked down on them as people launched them from their homes and from parking lots. It looked like London in the Blitz. It was amazing. It was embarrassing how much it proved my point. Just be willing to go somewhere and try something new. It might end up being something great. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Amy Brown Carver (@amybrowncarver)

July 4, 2021

Sitting around thinking about doing another season of The Host. I pay for it, might as well. Three people have now asked me about it and expressed interest in doing more. I've been waiting for a new idea, a new twist on it, but it might be worth just going back to the original idea: unconnected calls about emotional/relational conflicts with a sci-fi or supernatural overlay. I could incorporate Brent Forrester's sketch structure: premise, escalation, escalation, twist. Have people prepare one or two pitches answering the following questions: 1) who is the character, 2) what's one thing that's surprising about the character or that makes them complex, 3) what is the character's emotional/relationship conflict, 4) what is the character's sci-fi or supernatural conflict, 5) how does the Host respond? Fuck, that would be easy enough, and probably fruitful. Have people meet to pitch - it could be over zoom. Give notes, ideas. Go away to write. Come back with first drafts. Have a table read. Go away to rewrite. Boom. Finished. Record. The enemy of churning out stuff -- and by churning out stuff improving -- seems to be the time/energy required to make whatever it is. 

I've kind of talked myself into it. I will ignore the feeling until I have time. Or until I just send out the email on impulse. Anyways. I'm gathered here today to finally write my Female Trouble Mlog. 

Mlog Time! 

FEMALE TROUBLE

1974

Directed by: John Waters

Written by: John Waters

Watched: 6/23/21

I just read the Wikipedia summary and really enjoyed it. Basically, a ne’er-do-well and superficial high school student, Dawn Davenport, gets pregnant and drops out. She does crime, beats her daughter, and values beauty overall. She’s hooked up with a beauty salon where the owners think that crime and beauty are the same and turn Dawn into a model. She gets acid thrown on her face and chops off someone’s hand. She does a one-woman show where she shoots a gun into the crowd. She’s sentenced to death. She thanks her fans before being electrocuted in the electric chair. That star she always wanted to be. 

This was a very chaotic movie. And Divine is wonderful. Mink Stole as the daughter is also pretty great and unsettling. It would be interesting to watch this movie as a double feature with Neon Demon. The power of beauty, the intoxication of beauty, the subjectivity of beauty. How we worship it and how it can be like one of those old mad gods. I’m giving it three stars because it was amazing in its bizarreness and equally off-putting, so it cancels out. 

Rating: ★★★

July 2, 2021

Went to the beach, the aquarium, the beach again, the zoo. The zoo is like an alien jail. It's so weird that there are animals like that. Alive and sentient and unlike us. At the aquarium, there was a tank of colorful fish, and at the back there was a man in a diver suit cleaning. An exciting and charismatic animal if I've ever seen one. 

Took my brothers and their wives out to dinner at Musso and Frank's. The food was amazing, the atmosphere was dark and cosy. Everybody nearly fell asleep. It was nice. I'd like to have the money and the reason to go there regularly. Our Tuesday spot, something like that. 

I've been in the sun so much that my lip is about to break out in a fever sore. I'm trying to head that off by making sure my lips don't get so dry again. But we'll see. I might look real ugly going back into the office next week. 

My grey cat is so good. I still need to write about Female Trouble and Jodorowsky's Dune, but that will have to come later.