December 30, 2022

I really miss J today. (And I did yesterday.) Talking to him makes it worse. I don't want to lose or lessen our connection, but I also don't want to get bogged down in that sticky emotional swamp. It's been hard to focus on other things beside Relationship. Granted, I think relationships are one of the most fundamental and important things in life, so focusing on them to some extent is Good. But... I've got the rest of my life too. My writing and soul-searching and exercise and search for autonomy and... self-actualization? I just want the skills to know I will more or less be okay. Maybe that kind of assurance isn't available in life though. Life being this scary vast ungoverned thing. 

The scariest part of getting a divorce is the fear that I might not find someone I like to sleep next to every night. That's my favorite part of being married. 

October 21, 2022

I talked to a friend who got divorced a couple of years ago. He was saying that a big thing to get over was the thought that his wife (now ex-wife) needed him, that she wouldn't survive without him. In my experience she's a hyper competent, fiercely independent person, so that was surprising to hear. 

Another of my friends, a long time ago, was telling me that in general he feels happy when a former partner starts seeing someone else. That's when he knows she's really okay. Small sample size of men here, obviously. But it was interesting to me. Part patronizing, part sweet. I don't know, for whatever credit they're not immediately giving their former partners - in the categories of strength and ability - it seems they're making up for in care. Some (maybe biological) urge saying "protect her" "take care of her." I don't hate it (at least right now). 

August 21, 2022

It looks like you've acquired yourself an Amy Carver. Congratulations! Having an Amy can be a lot of fun, but she's a temperamental creature and comes with a wide variety of needs. If your Amy is feeling blue, try cheering her up with one or more of these activities: 

- Have her call a friend or her mom.

- Complete a stretching video. 

- Go to the beach. 

- Eat a cookie. 

- Drink a glass of water.

- Have a cup of coffee. 

- Go on a walk (just or in combination with any other of the suggested activities). 

- Drink a beer. 

- Lie on husband's chest and match his breathing. 

- Watch a Twitch stream (Richard Herring Self-Playing Snooker or Blindboy) or go to an Alice salon. 

- Go to the gym. 

- Watch a Youtube video on science. 

- Do dishes or sweep the floor. 

- Cook a meal. 

- See a movie in theaters.