There’s a problem with gym class. The first time I had to change for one was terrifying. There were girls in middle school who would eat you alive out of boredom. The last thing I ever wanted to do was change in front of them.

The first time I was old enough to change in the women's locker room at the Y, the sight both horrified me and created a strange fascination. Huge women were standing naked in the aisles. Some were talking to one another! Their arms were like giant sausages wrapped in old paper lunch sacks; their skin hung on their backs like lava flow. My mom explained to me that when you mature you don’t mind changing in front of other people.

Swimmers, I guess, are more mature than I am. I try to figure out what time swim practice gets out so I can avoid using the locker room. Swimmers stand around with their suit pulled down to their wastes, and I’ll explain the problem with that in a second.

In the locker room after water aerobics, Elise noted how convenient it would be if we were all more comfortable with our bodies. There would be no more holding a towel in your teeth while struggling to put each leg into its correct leg hole. No hopelessly getting tangled in your bra/swim suit while trying to keep your boobs covered. One could get properly dry without falling over.

But the problem is not the lack of body-image comfort. I don’t mind running around naked, but unlike the ladies at the Y, I do not want to subject my peers to that. Boobs are ugly. They look like cycloptic creatures that have been accidentally caught upper-terrestrially. They prefer damp dark caverns… something out of a Tolkien novel. There’s just no way to be comfortable with them.

I excused myself from WA class to go to the bathroom. The swimming class before us was changing. All three stalls were full. I was getting impatient. They were taking forever, and no one was even using the toilet. Three girls were stealing my chance to go to the bathroom by changing in the stalls. My class was going on without me and I didn’t want to miss 15 minutes waiting for the bathroom. I was thinking about how stupid girls are – using the damn bathroom to change. I left and had to hold it the rest of class.

I can see no solution. Boobs are the problem with gym class.

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