Commencement Address to the Graduating Class of 2009.5

Thank you for electing me to speak at this most momentous occasion. You must think I’m a smart and accomplished person. I’ve been thinking that for years, and so it warms my heart that you agree. …oh my, the cheering deafens me.

I am going to give you four pieces of advice: two general and two relational. The first, use the public library. If you really love to read and not just buy books or own an impressive collection, it is a perfect place. The books are free. And there are movies, magazines, and music too.

My second piece of advice is to say yes unless you have a good reason to say no. Have “yes” be your default answer. “I just don’t feel like it,” is not a good reason to say no. The more you say yes the greater your chances are for having an eventful and involved life.

Three: This may contradict number two somewhat, but it’s good advice anyway from what I can tell. My advice is to keep your pants on. I’ve watched enough Grey’s Anatomy to know. Unless you are fairly certain that it will be a good thing to sleep with someone, don’t. This is especially good advice in small communities where it’s likely to run into your lay repeatedly.

My fourth and final piece of advice is one that every relationship-help book ought to include. Do your dishes. Whether you live with roommates or a spouse, simply pulling your own weight and cleaning up after yourself will go farther than any blend of chemistry.

It’s no “secret to a man’s soul” and it may not make your lives purpose driven or your waist smaller. Sorry about that. But if you want to read things that promise you that, I would refer back to piece of advice number one.


  1. I don't agree with using the public library. Those places just have a bunch of homeless people. You can usually find the book you're looking for on Amazon at a used price which effectively competes with the inevitable late-fee you WILL incur at the library. Then you get to fold the book, highlight the shit out of it, and add it to your growing collection. This is great for many reasons, the most important being people think you're smart when they come over and look at your bookshelf (unless it's Twilight. You're then screwed.)

    Also, I'm looking forward to future posts to disagree with. But I only disagree on principle because I have a disputative character. I only argue with people I respect. And your posts have been awesome so far.

  2. Maybe my comments will begin the groundworks for Kylepedia®