Auto Correct

What if there were an Auto Correct for people? Since my laptop hard drive died, I’ve been borrowing an old Compaq. It has Word, most importantly, and minesweeper and Paint (and, ooh, pinball – pinball nostalgia moment: the Manitou Pancake House had an old-style pinball machine in the basement that you could play for free. The controls had that satisfying pre-Xbox feel. Plunger and flippers: all bolts and levers, not a computerized thing to it. Sometimes on Sundays my family would go there after church with the Lungs. We once saw a mouse scamper across the floor under our table. Does free pinball make up for the probable existence of mouse feces? Yes, emphatically yes.), but that’s about all it has. No internet, no Zune, and no spell check.

The lack of a spell check has made me realize how incorrect at spelling I actually am. I’ve been typing for years and Word has been dutifully auto correcting for me. It’s been taking out “l”s or capitalizing “i”s without me realizing it. I am a flawed human being; I can see that now.

So my thought is, is it possible for—-nay, how long will it be until—-computers auto correct all sorts of things about us? You post a picture of yourself on facebook and facecheck automatically eradicates that pimple by your mouth, which was caused by the hours spent talking on the phone to your long-distance boyfriend who’s voice has been automatically changed to sound more interested and caring. (You love him.)

Tasteless internet over-sharing will be censored and emodicons will be expressed in words. (That makes me feel like winking and sticking my tongue out!)

Sentiment will not be expressed unless computers deem reciprocation likely.

Cameras will automatically shed ten pounds and eliminate unsightly body hair.

Technology will govern our interactions in order to correct unnecessary muckiness like blemishes, awkwardness, evidence of solipsism, and poor social etiquette.

It will be impossible to say, “i am, like, litterally, in love with you.”