Drugs and Vegetables

What if one part of a plant were an illegal substance and another part were a healthy vegetable? Like if marijuana grew from the top of carrots, or for every four bundles in a head of broccoli one was a hallucinogenic mushroom, or whenever you cut open a red pepper a stream of finely processed cocaine poured out?

I can see the legal proceedings now. The vegeugs are heavily supported by the libertarians and the decidedly non-conservatives. The latter make T-shirts portraying the illicit vegetables, and they argue that obesity is the drug Americans indulge in, and what better way to better the market on produce? The pharmaceutical companies, dressed in their suits and with large gibberish-sounding words in their heads, are already devising advertising schemes -- Trouble sleeping/feeling happy/getting it up/breathing/urinating without discomfort? Try our line of vegeugs! Hypoallergenic so they're good for packing in the kiddos' lunches too.

The people against the legalization of vegetables-attached-to-drugs are male (as, actually, are the ones for it), white, and portly. They think it's pretty fishy how everyone has taken such an interest and liking in vegetables now that they have shacked up with drugs. One points out that he doesn't eat anything green. Another says, "Vegetables are for skinny people trying to stay skinny." A giant smear campaign is launched stating that red peppers are allegedly fruit.

Lobbyists lob money onto both sides. Folks put up signs in their yards according to party; some have upstanding-looking carrots and others have homeless-looking carrots, but they're all phallic-looking carrots. (At least we agree on something.)

And we're all encouraged to vote. And 40% of the population cares A LOT. And vegetables start becoming scarce on family tables so as not to insight heated talking-matches between parents and children.

Well gosh, thank goodness that's not what our political climate really looks like.

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