News Jokes

That comedy writing class went okay - I wisely avoided French silicone. I found more things funny than I thought I would, and the class developed a warm rhetoric. I also heard more ways to colorfully call the vagina than at any other concentrated point in my life. An example was "Meat Basket" which I argued should be "Meat Box." (Although, if the meat basket is right below the bread basket that says some enlightening things about Texas.)

Despite my fears, I was able to make some news jokes. These are my favorites:

• Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. Rick thinks swing states are fun. Whee!

• Two hikers found a human head in a plastic bag. They told reporters that the poor thing must have suffocated.

• A Washington snowstorm caused 95 car accidents in 5 hours. In other news, Washington is a state.

• A collapse at a casino construction site hurt a dozen workers. That’s the trouble when the house folds.

• There was a recent ruling banning protesting in National Parks. It’s a shame because Occupy Yellowstone has been going on for years.

• The budget deficit topped one trillion dollars, but economists are upbeat seeing that student loans will cover most of it.

• A Texas Millionaire has adopted his long-time adult girlfriend. After, of course, he asked her real father for her hand in adoption.

• Adele is said to be recovering nicely from her vocal cord surgery. “And if nothing else,” her surgeon says, “She can always learn sign language.”

• There are 1.8 million dead people registered to vote in the U.S., which is good news for Romney because the Mormons have baptized most of them.

• A fire erupted on the roof of an old post office building. 14 long-distance relationships are devastated.

• A woman turned 100 and celebrated by marrying her 87-year-old boyfriend. They spent the day hobbling through forests and across beaches until they found two separate bathtubs…

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