Spike Milligan

These are funny parts in Spike Milligan's War Memoirs. 

Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall

Uncle Willie, a pre-death mortician, who hadn't worked for years, started making small wooden mushrooms. He sent them to Air-Marshall Harris requesting they be dropped on Germany to prove that despite five days of war, British craftsmanship still flourished. 

Father and son were then shown the door, the windows, and finally the street. [...] Father left. With head held high and feet held higher, he was thrown out. 

Great-Grandfather, Sergeant John Henry Kettleband, had been killed in the Indian Mutiny, by his wife, his last words were, "Oh!" His father had died in a military hospital after being operated on for appendicitis by a drunken doctor. On his tombstone was carved -- "RIP. In Memory of Sgt. Thomas Kettleband. Died of appendicitis for his King & Country."

Loading the barbell to one hundred and sixty pounds (about $70) I heaved at the weights. 

The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. "I'm too young to go," I screamed as Military Policemen dragged me from my pram, clutching a dummy. At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel war rant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked "This is your enemy." I searched every compartment, but he wasn't on the train. At 4:30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer's day all mare's tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there. 

The walls once white were now thrice grey. From a peeling ceiling hung a forty watt bulb that when lit made the room darker. 

The young blond pilot was being treated by the Battery Cook, Gunner Sherry, who had been discharged from the Army on the grounds of Insanity, then invited to join up again on the same grounds.