News Jokes

That comedy writing class went okay - I wisely avoided French silicone. I found more things funny than I thought I would, and the class developed a warm rhetoric. I also heard more ways to colorfully call the vagina than at any other concentrated point in my life. An example was "Meat Basket" which I argued should be "Meat Box." (Although, if the meat basket is right below the bread basket that says some enlightening things about Texas.)

Despite my fears, I was able to make some news jokes. These are my favorites:

• Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. Rick thinks swing states are fun. Whee!

• Two hikers found a human head in a plastic bag. They told reporters that the poor thing must have suffocated.

• A Washington snowstorm caused 95 car accidents in 5 hours. In other news, Washington is a state.

• A collapse at a casino construction site hurt a dozen workers. That’s the trouble when the house folds.

• There was a recent ruling banning protesting in National Parks. It’s a shame because Occupy Yellowstone has been going on for years.

• The budget deficit topped one trillion dollars, but economists are upbeat seeing that student loans will cover most of it.

• A Texas Millionaire has adopted his long-time adult girlfriend. After, of course, he asked her real father for her hand in adoption.

• Adele is said to be recovering nicely from her vocal cord surgery. “And if nothing else,” her surgeon says, “She can always learn sign language.”

• There are 1.8 million dead people registered to vote in the U.S., which is good news for Romney because the Mormons have baptized most of them.

• A fire erupted on the roof of an old post office building. 14 long-distance relationships are devastated.

• A woman turned 100 and celebrated by marrying her 87-year-old boyfriend. They spent the day hobbling through forests and across beaches until they found two separate bathtubs…

Killing Me Softly

I want to introduce you to something that kills me. It's when people say something jocularly or like it's an absolute fact that everyone knows, but only it's not a fact, and it depresses my goddam pants off. It's as if, in casual conversation, the person talking to me takes child safety scissors out of her hand bag and drives them, as nicely as possible, into my chest.

Annie and I made up some examples:

Man, if one more of these soccer players takes his shirt off, I'm going to have to have sex with my husband.

I wish I didn't have to live anymore, but I don't want to, you know, kill myself.

If he were any more attractive, I'd have to brush my hair.

If I were anymore racist, I would write for ESPN.

I really wanted to lose weight so I had all my teeth pulled.

She's so funny for a girl.

I really wanted to lose weight so I started drinking light beer.

If God really wanted me to have a boyfriend, he would have put a vagina on my face.

Only those who can afford a luxurious life deserve it.

Happiness is really only for people who have souls.

I really like girls, but all the hot ones have eating disorders.

Women are intimidated by high expectations.

Choosing joy: because happiness isn't enough.

"I should probably get out of bed." "No, don't. It's over-rated."