Why I'm Not a Mom

I got my hair cut today, and while trying to look like Carey Mulligan from Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby, I'm afraid I got more of a mom haircut. In case anyone's worried like me, I made a list in order to soothe you. Here's how I know I'm not a mom:

• I'm 25 
• I allow the words "butt", "butthole", and "Harry Potter"
• I do not make spaghetti
• I like pointy things
• I have job
• Was never pregnant for, like, year
• Did not live in shoe
• Am not nice
• Am not named "Theresa"
• Have not confused uterus with belly
• Mom and Dad are not grand
• YAHTZEE