I've realized that what I need is a dopamine hit. The dopamine hit from excitement. From finding out that your crush likes you, or likes you enough that things might get on a little bit. From traveling to a new place and hearing the babble of other languages around you. Seeing unfamiliar rooftops and the impact of new skyscrapers on the sky. A good scream or a fight or a night of dancing where you lose your voice from shouting to your one friend and you lose your body in the sweaty mass of other bodies. High octane dopamine. Something to come down off of.
It's hard to tend to the part of myself that needs that. I haven't made it a priority. I ordered the Lonely Planet book for Mexico. We have a whole other country right here. I'm reading more Eve Babitz, with a plan to read American Psycho. Something racy. At lyra I hang upside down and try to look beautiful. I could put on makeup tonight for drinks with my friend. What else? What else? A trip to the beach. Rollerskating the strand. That scares the shit out of me because I almost always nearly fall. Too much energy. I know people are tired, but I'm like the opposite. I have too much and don't know where to put it. My mind wants to grab onto something electric that will go and go.
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