December 31, 2021

My husband's parents have a hot tub, and it's snowed here in Gig Harbor. So hot tubbing feels like some kind of winter alpine resort. And the tub has little roving rainbow lights under the water that light up the bubbles in blue, green, and turquoise. What a nice time. 

I remembered that I wanted to talk about how we went to a Christmas Eve service at my husband's parents' church. It's one of those big-ish churches, used to be Presbyterian but split from that denomination because it felt that the Presbyterians had gotten too liberal. Toooooo liberal. It has gotten rid of a choir in favor of a worship band. With LED spotlights of changeable colors.  Middle-aged musicians singing with their hands raised. It's Christmas, though, and I was excited about the various bangers: O! Holy Night!, Silent Night, the Hallelujah Chorus, Oh Little Town of Bethlehem.  We've been drinking all week, so we all had beers before we went. I had a weed gummy. The congregation was packed. Barely anyone had masks on. I sang my face off and enjoyed the whole thing thoroughly. Although, I expect the fact that church no longer rankles me the way it used to is a sign of me being further from that culture, not closer. I don't feel so threatened anymore by what they expect from people inside of Christianity. Instead, it feels like I get to be a tourist in an eccentric environment. One where you get to sing badly and around other people -- delightful. Where people talk about a fantasy land where you go after you die. Of a creator who's got great plans for your life but suffers from some kind of communication problem when it comes to relaying those plans. Mysterious. Where they teach that men need to run households, but half the congregation is definitely run by women, and no one bats an eye. Where you can get drunk and high and end up looking passionate and pious, singing mangled contemporized versions of classic Christmas songs that -- being perfect -- have lasted hundreds of years and will last hundreds of years more, no matter how silly we've rendered them in 2021. 

December 30, 2021

The other night, my husband and I went over to our friends Jay and Bella's house. He works at a cabinet factory that employs mainly ex-cons, and she's a professional pianist. She talked about how, when they first moved to Gig Harbor from Minnesota, she was so desperate to make friends that she looked up the pianists she could find in the area. Professors at Universities and things like that. She cold emailed them, introducing herself and asking if they wanted to be friends. Four out of four coffee dates went well. One of the people is now like her best friend, and the other three all got her jobs. She also went into a board game store on the day it was going out of business. She exchanged phone numbers with the owner of the store and told him she and her husband would be down on any given game night. A couple of weeks later, the owner's wife texted her back and invited them. Now they all four hang out all the time. 

Yesterday, my husband, sister-in-law, and her husband all drove around trying to find a covid test. Annie, who I'm spending new years eve with, wanted me to get tested first. A reasonable request. However, places are like out of tests. No walk-ups available. Only by appointment. No appointments available. Also it's snowed here, and it almost never snows here. So places are shut because of the snow as well. We drove all over town looking for a place. We finally went to a med clinic that gave out take-home tests. (Similar to a pregnancy test.) We all four took our tests in the car. I'm not sure we fully appreciated the gravity and lack of privacy of the situation. What if someone's came back positive? But they all came back negative. Only a solitary blue line. We all burst into cheers and song as we revealed our results together. Bumping the car up and down with our dancing. Weird. 

Blog Time! 

**SPOLERS**

Keefe, Patrick Radden – EMPIRE OF PAIN

Published: 2021

Read: 12/2021

This was a family history of the Sackler family, the owners of the private company Purdue Pharma who made and marketed Oxycontin. Unlike other wealthy business families (Ford, JP Morgan, etc.), the Sacklers have always gone out of their way to distance the family name from the family business. They use the business – an aggressive marketing campaign convincing doctors of the safety and necessity of OxyContin – as a cash cow, and then donate lots of money to art galleries and universities, insisting on various naming rights. When Purdue Pharma eventually caught some public flack for their part in the opioid epidemic, the Sacklers put three non-Sacklers forward to plead guilty. The sentences were lessened based on the family’s connections at the FDA and the justice department.  By the end of the book (and pretty close to present day), Purdue Pharma had filed for bankruptcy and found themselves a sympathetic judge. The family has taken billions of dollars out of the company, and it looks like they’re going to be able to keep it all. Activitists, including photographer Nan Goldin, have been on the forefront of exposing the Sackler name. Getting museums and universities to stop taking money from them. To, where they can, remove the Sackler name from their walls. It seems like the Sacklers will leave the situation with their money in tact, but they will lose their good name. 

I wasn’t totally in the zone for this book. It was well reported and written, and it’s about a scandal of way bigger proportion than the college admissions scandal. But I didn’t feel all the way in it. A lot of distractions going on in the couple of weeks I was listening to the audio book. (Patrick Radden Keefe himself reads it, which is nice.) It’s odd to be learning about a societal/historical trend that has personally impacted people I know. Two of my cousins got hooked on opioids because of OxyContin. (At least one of them still is.) My cousin Ben had it prescribed after an elbow surgery he got as a college-level pitcher. I think/hope he’s doing better now, but there was a time when my aunt said, “We’re preparing ourselves for the call that says he’s wound up dead. We just can’t assume that’s not going to happen.” He was stealing money from my grandpa to buy… I’m not sure – pills? Heroin? The whole shebang. My other cousin won’t play sports anymore because he can’t afford the injury, and the pain killers, that might come along with that. Both cousins are basically super athletes. Sports have more or less defined their whole lives. 

I talked to my mom about the book, and she rattled off a whole list of people in her community who are hooked to opioids. People who’ve had multiple back surgeries or experience chronic pain. It’s terrifying. It seems like quicksand in the boardgame of life. Like in the real boardgame there are all these potential highs and lows you can role – and there are a lot a lot of possible lows. This company, Purdue Pharma – this family, the Sacklers, -- plopped a big sink of quicksand right in the middle of the board. Close to: injury, loneliness, pain. And a shit ton of people fell into it. Are still falling into it. Will fall into it in the future. 

Rating: ★★★

 

December 26, 2021

Trying to get back into writing a little post everyday. This next year I'm going to need to up/maintain my writing game. Let's make this a career, baby! Today, I have a MLog. 

**SPOILERS**

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS
2021
Directed by: Lana Wachowski
Written by: Lana Wachowski, David Mitchell, Aleksander Hemon
Watched: 12/23/21
Matrix Resurrections came out almost twenty years after the original Matrix trilogy. Neo and Trinity are back in the Matrix, contained in special pods. Neo – Thomas Anderson – is a game writer/developer for “The Matrix.” Agent Smith (now played by Jonathan Groff) is Neo’s business partner. We find out that Morpheus (now played by Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) was originally an agent who can appear in the real world by using a swarm of nanobots. Trinity’s got a husband and children. Her name in this new Matrix is Tiffany. Neo and Trinity see each other in a coffee shop they both frequent. They’re drawn to each other, but Tiffany’s life – her husband and sons – get in the way. (Although honestly not that much.) Zion is gone, but the humans have established a new home with the help of sentients called Io. They’ve been growing real strawberries by reverse engineering the Matrix to create actual DNA. Niobe, the leader, doesn’t want the team rescuing Trinity (after they’ve gotten Neo out) because she doesn’t want to risk Io, to risk her strawberries. They go anyway, and they get Trinity out. Smith comes to help them, for some reason. And Trinity picks the blue pill. Together, Neo and Trinity can fly – whereas Neo couldn’t on his own. The One is really the Two. 
I liked early on in the film, when the game designers of The Matrix were discussing what was needed for “The Matrix 4.” There were also all these sequences that were layered over the previous three movies, either by cutting back to previous footage or, at one point, projecting the footage from the previous movies over the action taking place by the current actors. As soon as the actual storyline kicked in – them having to save Trinity – it got less interesting. That part felt perfunctory, like somebody had said – well, we need an actual story here somewhere. But the story wasn’t very good, and the analyst – the big bad – didn’t really do anything bad that I can remember, and Smith switches sides for no discernable reason. There’s a quote I liked: “The key to it all? You and her. Quietly yearning for what you don’t have…while dreading losing what you do.” The analyst is explaining, there, how he’s kept Neo and Trinity contained (stuck) in the Matrix. I thought it was a good description of how I feel a lot of the time. An equally powerful yearning and fear, creating a deadlock. 
There’s a good article about it in the Hidustan Times: “In a fabulous scene (the film’s best scenes revolve around ideas and dialogue; the action is lacklustre), the Analyst tells Neo how in the latest matrix, the machines deliberately trigger human minds to keep them in a perpetual loop of fear and desire so as to make them produce more energy.” Social media. Here it is again, “He says that “zero resistance” is the best part and that for 99% of humanity, the definition of reality is “quietly yearning for what you don't have, while dreading losing what you do”. And a little bit more (I really like this article ) “The Analyst is talking about our continuous desire to escape power structures (capitalism, patriarchy, caste system, so on) while benefitting from the same structures.” 
The interesting parts were interesting! The parts that were trying to make it a big sci-fi blockbuster like people want and expect fell flat. Giving it a score in the middle. 
 Rating: ★★★

December 18, 2021

I'm writing this several days after the fact, so I don't remember the last day I was on production as well as I would have. The line producer had Asher and all the actors sign the title page of my script for me in kind of yearbook-y way. Tyrese Gibson misunderstood the assignment, as it were, and thought it was my birthday. So everybody wished me a happy birthday. 

I got to say bye and thanks to the actors and all the people on the crew. When I left, Asher called a wrap on me and everybody clapped. It was sad driving the hour from Santa Fe to Albuquerque, during sunset. I know there's no guarantee that I'll get to do something like that again. I think the best thing is to just work for a follow-up opportunity. Try to take the SMC Film series to maybe shoot my own short film. Maybe do an MFA in filmmaking. Just keep writing scripts and asking to be on set. Maybe doing a play in my living room with friends. 

Here are some photos: 

December 17, 2021

Yesterday was better. I'm not pissed at that crew member anymore. I can't remember if I already said this, but in my experience, fights and agitations run way higher in production crews than in other jobs, but the agitations are forgotten and worked through really quickly. Lots of times it's forgotten by the next day. You spend all this time together, everybody's tired, but in the end you still have to work closely together to get the project done, so you move past it. I don't mind that at all. 

We shot the action set piece yesterday. It took nearly the whole time. I've started hanging out with the two guys in the sound department, because they don't have to spend much time setting up (as opposed to camera and electric, which takes ages). My strategy was to hold very still, paying attention in case I could help with anything, and try to exude moral support. 

I'm leaving on the evening of the 19th, so yesterday was going to be my second-to-last production day, but this "morning" (2:30pm when I woke up) we found out that today is our day off. So I'm chilling, trying to run around and see stuff before they close. I'll get to go to some/most of Day 6 of shooting, but I'll leave to go to Albuquerque part-way through. It would be nice to stay for the whole shoot (although, it's really really long hours), but I'm glad I'll be going home to help Mitch drive to Seattle. 

December 16, 2021

Some thoughts on Santa Fe. The water tastes good. Everything is ten minutes away from everything else. The buildings have these cool exposed logs holding up the ceiling. Everybody seems pretty nice. A tenth of the people drive really slow. It's fantastic. 

I went straight to bed after coming back to the hotel last night (I called it "home" at first), and it was 5AM when I got into bed. I've been trying to keep myself in the best shape possible, health- and emotion-wise. I've been making a point of eating fruit and fiber, trying to keep regular. That can be such a hang up when traveling to a new place. I've been writing about my experience, here, kind of like a diary. I've been -- crucially, crucially -- using the elliptical machine in the hotel for thirty minuets each "morning." The first time I did it, I felt great afterwards. I was like "I pity the soul who's not doing a half hour of elliptical every morning on this shoot." Two things: 1) I am able to leave earlier than most of the crew (who has to pack up gear). Plus there's people in the production department who have to figure out things like call sheets and stuff for the next day who are working way past when we wrap. And 2) Sorry to say the half hour on the elliptical is not the silver bullet I hoped it would be. I am tired. 

I've been bopping back and forth between seeing everyone on the crew as supremely attractive, talented, and amazing -- a marvel to behold! -- and seeing everyone as annoyingly egoistic, inefficient, insufficiently committed to the project.  On day four of shooting it was a lot more of the latter. (Of course, ideally I just start seeing everyone as regular coworkers, i.e. mostly boring, but there's something intense and fizzy about being on set. Like we're all going on a study-abroad trip together or joining a cult.) In general in my life, I feel like I'm more interested in people than ever and also more annoyed by them. 

Yesterday, one of the crew members threatened to walk off set in the middle of a take. They slammed their laptop lid shut and walked right through the shot. They have been shit talking the director the whole time, and actually said they were going to walk off set within hours of the first day. I've been around this crew member the most so far on the set. We're friends-ish, or as much as you can be having only met each other this week. They know that this project means a lot to me. They walked off because they want the director to be nicer to them, to listen more to their suggestions. Fair. Fine. The director has been treating this person with the same manic directness as he has with everyone else, including the DP and AD, so it's not a hierarchy thing. Anyway, when the crew member walked off like that, I felt instant rage. The AD went to talk to them, then the director. They came back after a couple of shots. But I couldn't look at them. I went outside in the cold and paced. When I talked to the director, ironically he was more blasé about their behavior. Defending them, telling me not to worry, that he had sorted things out. I'm trying to goldfish it today, start fresh. But like, how do you make the whole production about you? (I'm saying to that person in my head.) I'm probably not giving them a fair enough shake. The complexities are not really fitting in my head at this point. But I'm curious to see whether this person shows up to set today. If they do, I'm going really try to let it go. If the director can, then I should be able to. If this person doesn't, then fuck them forever. Probably. 

Okay yikes Amy. Pull it together. 

Oh, post script -- we've got enough in the can that I'm starting to feel more confident about the project. The scenes yesterday looked really good. The camera and electric department people are champs, and the actors -- especially Emile -- have been putting in great work. I'm impressed by them. 

December 15, 2021

I was relieved yesterday to hear that one of the actors had notes. He's the black actor in our cast, and he's playing Henry, who arrives with lots of weaponry and causes chaos. He's like the 60 minute substitution in soccer, only in the story his job is to make everything lots worse. The director wanted to Sam L Jackson-ify him in a Tarantino way. Anyhow, it's a negative stereotype -- the big black scary criminal -- and now we need to remedy that somehow. The issue is that his whole raison d'etre is to be a big scary guy -- I always wanted him to be white. The casting is the trouble. Of course it's too late to change that now. But anyway, I'm sure I'll be working on that more today. (12/16) 

Yesterday, we did our random other locations around town. I sat in a fancy hotel lobby and worked on rewrites. The director told me in the morning that I'd be playing the fan (Cheryl) in the flashback scene. I don't think he remembered how many lines she has. Anyways, whenever I try to act in stuff I'm always pretty wooden/frozen/bad. But I wanted to take a run at it anyways. I memorized the lines during the day. I got hair and makeup done -- wow! I didn't tell Ricky, the makeup assistant, but it was the first time I had ever worn liquid eye liner. 

The scene itself, which we did over and over again for hours, felt like it went well. The nice thing about doing it with real actors was it was easy to feel like it was really happening. I didn't feel self conscious about the camera or about the people watching. I felt in the moment. It was kind of like how I can slip into a zone when I'm playing with my nephew. There's a way to dial into the make-believe of whatever's going on and just role with it. I hope I don't feel too embarrassed when I watch it on screen. Maybe it'll get cut and I won't have to worry about it. 

Oh, adding -- my scene had a stunt-ish component. Leila comes at me and pushes me out of frame. It was super fun to do. Annabelle is smaller than me by enough that I always felt in control. I also had the stunt coordinator behind me, steadying me when I finished. It was exciting but still felt safe. Great fun, and Annabelle is a queen. She's awesome. 

December 14, 2021

Yesterday was Day 2 of production. We shot some of the big dinner scenes with all six main cast members. The day didn't feel as good as Day 1. Part of it probably was that video village, where I sit, was farther away from set. (Too far, really.) And they only have headphones for the dialogue for the director and script supervisor, so I was watching it but couldn't hear what was going on. But it seemed like the scenes weren't really clicking. And the shots all looked flatter than Day 1, not as well produced. It was day 2 out of a 10 day shoot in New Mexico, so we're having to go really fast. Details, continuity stuff, is being brushed off. It's probably necessary to get our shots, but it's disheartening and also frustrating some of the crew. I'm not having a lot of obvious work to do on set, but I was thinking about how I'm the person who this movie means the most to. The Director and the DP have shot at least two other movies this year. For the rest of the crew, this is at some level just a job. I think my role going forward might be to try to smooth relationships, to thank crew if the director doesn't seem to be acknowledging their work, and to just be the person on set who this really matters to. Maybe that will help the work feel more meaningful for everybody, even when it seems like we're rushing. 

I'm nervous how it will turn out. They cast a black man in the role of Henry, which I would have avoided, because he's a character with a criminal past and comes in with a gun etc etc.  It had always seemed pretty important to me that that character be played by a big scary white guy. But then again, the guy playing Adam keeps making his character more and more slimy, just more and more awful. To the point where I think everyone in this movie is going to look good compared to him. (Bless Emile, really.) 

I want the movie to be coherent. I want it to be fun. I want it to feel like the people who made it cared about what they were doing. I don't have much pull at all on set and yet I have as much pull -- in some ways -- as the director does. I'm the writer flown in from LA, and so far people seem to respect that more than I expected. I need them, and I appreciate them, and I hope I'm able to communicate that to them in a way that's not too cringey. 

December 13, 2021

Yesterday was the first day of production for Helen's Dead. I hung out with the script supervisor and the director all day. The shots looked surprisingly good. Surprising in how tonally dark and moody they are. The night shots are beautiful. They pumped the house full of atmosphere for no reason (story-wise), but it looked really really cool. Asher's been letting me be super involved and has been giving me a lot of credit. I really appreciate it. And I feel extreme gratitude towards everyone there. It's amazing to be on a team where everyone has an essential and different job. The actors have been really friendly and chill too. I'm so impressed with what they're able to do. 

This is @AngryBrownCarvr i found her script on @franklinleonard blcklist data base five months ago and now we are on set for day one of “Helen’s Dead.” We will announce all our amazing actors and distributor soon. In 2007 you launched my career and now you launched Amy’s! pic.twitter.com/CeVu6jQETf

— ASHER_LEVIN (@asherlevin) December 13, 2021

December 12, 2021

 I ran out of steam and didn’t write a log last night after my day 3. The big event was that most of the actors arrived for rehearsals. Everyone is more beautiful in person. It was kind of excruciating to hear them read what I wrote. They were great at it, but it was the most exposed I’ve felt in this whole process. The director and I met with a couple of them for line changes/suggestions. The process was fun but mind-numbing. A lot to take in. It seems like the general strategy is to tell the actors they’re right and brilliant all the time. It’s… fine? But not really my style. I get that doing what they do takes a lot of confidence and vulnerability. It might be kind of like receiving notes on an idea when it’s early on. It only hurts even though the person might be right. 

Another day has passed. I haven’t gotten in a rhythm with blogging and being on set. I wanted to add about this day that I have been updating the script to match the actual locations in the house. I’ve been sending the drafts to production, but of course they’re getting one million emails. The sides – from my script – that they sent out didn’t match the schedule. (Scenes numbers had changed because locations in the house had changed.) I went from feeling really great to really awful. I apologized to the AD the next morning and she said it was all good. (She was convincing about it.) I felt a bit better. I guess I’m just saying my feelings are precarious. It’s been like the best experience ever, but when I feel like I mess up it’s devastating. 

December 11, 2021

First full day in Santa Fe! I got myself out of bed around 9am. Went downtown to get a breakfast burrito, walked around old Santa Fe, went to a coffee shop, bought a book, worked on my SMC Film 31 Final, went to Sprouts for tea, apples, and lotion, went back to the hotel and got a call from our first AD. From then until a couple of minutes ago (10:30pm), I was at the main location. I was worried about not having enough to do, just being a useless awkward bystander, but I got the lowdown from the director on which scenes we were shooting in which rooms. I did an updated version of the script -- to reflect the actual locations in the scene names and other changes -- and then I pulled a map of the location and put in the names from the script and sent it around. Everyone acted very impressed and said it was very helpful. My biggest concern yesterday was that I wouldn't fit in and I wouldn't be helpful. I was able to warm up to everybody a lot more today, and I've already been able to help. I'm feeling much more confident that that will continue! Fingers crossed. 

December 10, 2021

Man, it's felt like forever since I blogged, but it turns out it was just the other day. Well, October I mean. 

I'm in Santa Fe for production on Helen's Dead! I'm staying by myself in a hotel room for ten days -- a first, I don't think I've stayed in the same hotel for ten straight days period -- so to keep me company, I'm going to keep a production blog. 

I got flown out here by production this morning. It was a tiny little plane from LAX to Albuquerque. The two leads from the movie were on my flight (although I only recognized one of them). Production also got my rental car. It was under Hertz gold members, and my name was just on a board next to the car number. The paperwork and everything was already inside, so I just got in and drove it away. They never checked my drivers license or anything. The two leads got picked up by a man with a sign with their names on it who then drove them to the COVID testing place and Santa Fe. I was grateful to get my own car, to have my own autonomy, to drive myself, to not have the pressure to talk to someone else. 

I got on set and talked through the script with the first AD. She seems great, although I'm worried about being too clingy with her. I should have introduced myself to people right away... I think there's still time... but I went in kind of shy. It's important for me to keep mostly out of the way, so shyness isn't the biggest sin, but I do want to meet people and learn things. Anyway, seeing all these people together to actually make the thing I wrote was like a mental orgasm. They had read my script! They were talking about the various characters! I think I'll get used to that pretty fast though. The script will just become the script, the thing we're working on, the reference point. It won't register as having much to do with me. Maybe.