I'm realizing that a separation, a divorce isn't exactly a rebirth like I was maybe thinking it was. It's felt like my marriage was a mistake -- even at the time I made it. Not that Mitch was a bad person to marry or that I was destined to be miserable or abused. Just that, it wasn't how I wanted my life to go. I didn't recognize myself in the story. I didn't have the right feelings. I wasn't sure I could ever have the right feelings, and I wasn't sure what the right feelings were, but I also was just like - this isn't it. This isn't excitement. I also just didn't have a reason why were getting married. I couldn't get my head around it. At first I justified it by saying we'd go to Russia together. But why get married to go to Russia? Just to have the blessing of our parents. It was all messed up.
It wouldn't have mattered, our beginnings, if I had shaken that feeling later on. Is it a kind of emotional dysmorphia? Is it the result of trauma? Is it just myself knowing that that wasn't it for me?
I've gotten a kick, a boost, out of getting out. I feel like I can rewrite my story to be what I want it to be. So that I can see myself. But... my 12 years of marriage isn't going away. Now I have this fractured life. An era of a marriage I will have a hard time explaining to people -- both why I was in it and why I left it.
Other people have long relationships in their past too. I need to remember that. Someone will have grace with my story just like I would with theirs. Someone will see it as an asset. Everything is permanent, lasting forever all at once. Everything passes, more fleeting than you can imagine.
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