Last night I had fears about leaving, that I was a leaver. I left my family straight out of high school. I went out of state for college. I never moved back. Even now when I visit Colorado, I go to the Fort Collins house. It's nicer than the one I grew up in, and there are fewer memories. I watch other kids from the camping group leave the state, rebel against the rules and beliefs of their upbringings, to eventually come back. Some come back home physically, while other seems to return to their parents' life choices or ethics. I keep going. I don't want to return. I go out and out. I keep thinking of a science fiction story, barely remembered, about an astronaut who is going out into the universe forever. Straight into the unknown, never returning. I feel like that. When will I want to return? When will the appeal of what's out there what's next fade for me?
I'm worried about leaving my husband. What's to stop me from leaving everything? I want to have a home. I want my commitments to mean something. When will I learn to stay? Is it a lesson worth learning?
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