I got overwhelmed and cried and freaked out last night. I was supposed to plan for the classes I'm teaching today. And I worked on it -- trying to find good virtual labs, useful videos, a sense of where we're going in this unit, a sense of what's important to cover and what's tangential and can be skipped, -- but the five hours I put in came up with nothing.
The overwhelmed emotional breakdown is a reoccurring phenomenon for me, something I've been trying hard to break. I've got a mood app and a daily and weekly planner. I prioritize. I schedule. I try to do things in advance and not wait for the last minute. But it seems like eventually, and no matter what's on my plate, I eventually get back there. Frustrated and feeling like a failure. Like nothing I do will come off right. Like I'm letting myself and everyone else down.
The first time I remember this happening (other than the years when my mom put me in 4H, and I'd be up late at night crying over my wobbly stitches at the sewing machine) was junior year of high school. I took on 5 classes in a 4-block time slot. I needed to cram in a class in order to be able to take French, which was only offered every other year. I had to stay up until 11pm most nights doing homework, and I was upset about it. But after throwing a few fits, I eventually got used to the workload and I remember things getting better.
Maybe the struggle is part of the terrible process? The reality being that I have to work relentlessly hard and that I'm angry about having to work so hard? That I have to vent it eventually. The rage and sadness and lack of confidence in a future that's anything like a walk in the park.
Still, I hope I can get better and that I don't have to lose any more nights to dark emotional vortexes.
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