April 24, 2021

Yesterday, my husband and I hung out with two friends, people who are relatively new friends. Afterwards, I had the familiar feeling that I didn't do a good enough job. In social situations, especially when it's not one-on-one, I feel unsure as to what I'm supposed to be doing and unsure if I'm doing it well. Once I'm close enough with a group of people, that feeling goes away, but I like meeting new people. I'm interested in finding out about their lives, their personalities. I want to feel good about group social stuff. It was a reminder that along with the good things coming back post-COVID, some of the bad things might come back as well. I'm hoping I can get rid of that stress and inadequacy. It seems pointless to lug it through life. I want to listen to maybe some of the things it's telling me: listen well, be sensitive to others' needs and feelings, make people laugh and do what you can to make them at ease. But then let the rest of the performance anxiety go and just manage to have a good time. 

Second thing! Feeling good about the number of things I've got out there, right now. Any of them coming back as a "yes" would be awesome. But of course, the best thing is to forget about them and just work on the next thing. I still get excited though. Still hope for that slim chance of good news. And not being pessimistic with that "slim chance" statement. The success rates for these things are very very small! Objectively, there is a slim chance. 

Third thing! Thinking about that book my friend had me read. I forget the title but it was about not reading books. The premise was essentially -- there are too many books to read. As soon as you start reading one book, you're neglecting to read every other book in existence. You should be reading books about books, if you really want to get a grasp on literature. You should just be reading titles of books and short summaries, then just check out what the critics have said, and move on. The fundamentally true point the book raises is that it is impossible to read everything. It's impossible to read all the things you're "supposed to" have read. It's the same with movies and television. The publishing industry or the entertainment industry, or cultured society in general, doesn't give a damn that its expectations for the individual consumer are impossible. That's your problem not theirs. I admire the sense of simply refusing to try to accomplish the impossible. Of pretending you've read or seen more than you have. Of not feeling bad about it because the rules of the game were not fair -- or possible -- to begin with. 

I've got that monthly membership to Cinefile Video. Plus you know about my Mlog. It's been fun, inspiring, and artistically adventurous to just wander around in all the movies that have been made. (Cinefile might not actually have all movies ever made, but I'm telling you they must be close.) I enjoy it, and I think it's been giving me ideas and making my writing better. However, I'm not going to be able to see all 10,000 titles in their collection. Of course not, even after doing this for years at 2-3 movies per week, I won't make a dent on the things I'm supposed to have seen. It's fun; it's futile; it's endless.