March 3, 2021

I've been getting a ringing in my ears lately. Another sign of my future demise, maybe. 

I deleted Two Dots from my phone! That's happened every time I've come to the Fort Collins house. Something about it makes me want to make trace squares out of four similarly-colored dots. But it makes my brain turn into a zombie. I lose motivation for anything else. All I want to do is go into the oblivion of the dots, completing one circuit after another. It's so much easier, and sometimes more satisfying, than finishing my other projects. 

I got a little bit more freelance writing work this morning. That's nice. Speaking of finishing projects, my friend's audio play that I'm producing and editing is nearly at the finish line. I just have to carry it across. 

Yesterday was tough for motivation. I wasn't interested in reading/responding to my classmates assignments. I didn't want to work on the audio play or my own writing. I didn't want to do anything, so I walked a lot and listened to my audiobook. Then I played animal crossing and listened to my audiobook. I'm liking my audiobook, and it was one I was rolling my eyes at at first. 

I told my parents yesterday that they didn't need to keep asking me leading questions about teaching. I like teaching the little bit at Fusion that I do, but I don't want to go into teaching full time. (Not at this point, anyway. I'm aware that if I really wanted a change of career, teaching is one avenue that I'd have a little bit of a leg up on.) I told them research administration was an actual career -- and it is! It's holding me over while I try to chase down this screenwriting thing. 

I have reflected -- and checked my mood app -- that I don't work on my individual writing for many days of the week. My screenwriting class is helping me to make sure I'm making some progress on Baby Teeth, but it's not as much as it could be. And I'm not feeling the spark for it right now either, and I think that might be because I'm working on it once a week instead of six times a week. After the audio play is done, I'm hoping I can prioritize the writing -- the screenplay, short stories, and whatever else I feel like. 

I wonder if I should be pushing for more. Everyday, it's more or less the same: a list of projects, a list of meetings, work to do for various works. Hoping it adds up to something eventually, like in a story where all the narrative elements dovetail at the end. How do people decide whether they're living a worthwhile life?