March 6, 2021

My husband and I are driving back to Los Angeles today. It's a 17-ish-hour trip, and I usually take the late night/early morning shift. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel all weird, but I've got a couple of audiobooks, so hopefully it'll go smoothly. We'll be leaving a big house to return to our one-bedroom apartment. I'm a little sad that our cat won't have so many windows to sun in and beds to lay on. She likes it here and probably wonders why we don't make more money to provide for her various luxuries. The moment of truth on leaving day is once we're all packed and it's time to get her into the crate. She knows what packed suitcases mean and will hide under the bed, so we have to get completely ready without her noticing. 

Talked to Mitch last night about how it's hard not to approach life in LA from a place of scarcity. Scarcity of space, of money, of time, of opportunities. It's easy to feel like my efforts are never going to be enough. I hold two convictions in my head at the same time: 1) I'm never going to make it, and 2) I'm bound to make it eventually. 

Also last night, Mitch and I played ping pong. We've played quite a bit since being here. There's a table in the basement. Mitch beat me every single game. They're frequently close games, but this trip no victory for me. After we had finished playing, he told me I was a really good loser. If it were him it would have ruined his night. What a compliment. 

Reasons to go back to LA: to be surrounded by talented motivated (desperate?) people. To ride my bike to the roller rink at the park in Mar Vista. To be ready for the possibility of doing mushrooms in the desert. To eat good food. To go to the beach. To watch great stand up comedy for cheap. To feel like I have an outside chance of writing for a living. Reading Harlan Ellison was a big boost for a while. Maybe I ought to go back to doing that. He seemed to overpower everything by just writing a lot. He cared about the writing, the short stories, the science fiction community. He loved the writing by his contemporaries. He wrote for TV but acted like he detested it. I mean, he was probably a jerk? But reading him makes me feel like I can be an individual creator and that that might have some power. That I don't have to be overly awed by the studios. I don't have to feel like a slug because my parents aren't powerful people in the industry.  

Sarah Someone is coming out soon! And I think, at long last, it's starting to sound pretty good.