March 5, 2021

My parents went back down to Colorado Springs yesterday. We had played our closing rounds of Euchre and ping pong the night before. (My mom and I did very well at Euchre. My husband and I did very well at ping pong.) Even though I complained about my dad's interjections about politics, especially early in the morning, I'm a little sad they left. 

My mom is an excellent grandma to my two nephews. She sits on the floor with them and listens to what they have to say. She doesn't mind being silly or playing Candy Land five times in a row. She brings thoughtful presents to help their growth, like books and puzzles and a mini trampoline. I'm proud of her. 

Last night, I had a dream about a friend of mine who died of an enlarged heart the year after we graduated from college. It had been a traumatic slice of my life in general, and I took the loss hard. I still have dreams about it from time to time. Sometimes, in my dreams, he's alive and it's been a misunderstanding. Everybody in the dream looks at me like I'm acting crazy in my relief. One time, I had a dream that I was talking to him and something kept nagging at me. There was something I was supposed to tell him. As I woke up, I realized I meant to tell him that he was dead. Last night, the dream was a plot to capture my friend. He was 6'5" and 350 pounds, so it wasn't the easiest thing to pull off. They lured him into a room and shot him twice with a tranquilizer gun, like he was a bear or a gorilla. They pushed me away, treated me like I was going crazy. In protest, I was going crazy. Flipping over plastic chairs. Interrupting a board meeting. Telling its occupants that they had nothing but empty energy. Whatever that means. 

Last thing, I've been discouraged by the stuff I'm reading about Gimlet Media. I listened to their podcast Start Up back when they were just beginning. I felt like I knew who they were, trusted that they were dedicated, hardworking, and genuinely trying to make art. I probably have a too rosy view about podcasts in general. They've become a business now, one that has to angle its every move to show that you can efficiently turn audio stories into dollar signs. Anyway, I read Glass Walls, a post on James T Green's blog. It was depressing and alarming. I've been on the wrong end of the employee/contractor divide myself, and when I've been on the employee side, I've seen people on the contracting, temp, or float pool side. They're run around and around, always being told they don't have exactly what it takes to cross the arbitrary line into relative security and health benefits. Every company claiming that they don't have the money, when what they really mean is this money is not for you.